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The Adios
I was there the day you died, watching from the hotel balcony.
I’m sorry for not coming to see you sooner. It’s a nice, beautiful day. The rain cleared out last night, so the sky is crystal blue. I wish you were here to enjoy it with me.
I’ve spent years trying to cover my guilt for disobeying your orders. We argued that day in the kitchen when you were ordered to end the ranchers’ feud. It changed my life in unimaginable ways. I followed in your footsteps, Benjamen, and became a US Marshal.
The years seem to pass so quickly, as we age. I should have done this much sooner. Clarence tried to warn me, but I refused to listen. He became Marshal after you die—. Sorry, I still find it difficult to say those words after all these years. Nevertheless, not a day goes by that I don’t see your body lying in that alley. Some days, I can still hear you telling me to stay home. It was dangerous in town, as the rancher feud became highly volatile. You yelled at me for trying to argue, but I just brushed you off for being paranoid. I am sorry, Benjamen…. I miss you….
Since the sun shone on the hotel room windows in the afternoon, it was easy to hide and watch the street. When gunfire erupted that day, and Clarence took cover next to the bank, reality smacked me square in the face. At the time, I was a high-strung stupid kid. You were my hero, Benjamen. I had visions of you charging out from the alley, guns blazing; taking down the bank robbers single-handed. But when you moved to the back of the alley, my vision of the battle went blind. The thought of losing you made me sick to my stomach. I felt like a caged animal, fighting to get free, but trapped behind metal bars holding me hostage.
I remember old man Randle, who always kept that ancient Winchester behind the front desk in the hotel. He used to tell us it was to keep unruly customers in line. Anyway, I’d wanted to grab it on my way upstairs that day, but figured the second I took it he would catch me and whip my butt for stealing.
If I had grabbed that rifle, when the shooting began and I saw the robbers taking cover around town, I could have taken a few out. You always told me I was an expert marksman for my age. But instead, Benjamen, my head filled with paralyzing fear. It was as though my feet were nailed to the floor; I couldn’t move. My mind raced, trying to bring some clarity to the event unfolding outside. My heart screamed run! They need help, go help them…. But I couldn’t move.
I know there was no excuse for my actions. I wanted more than anything to run, but a nauseating rush flooded my body. You know the queasiness that makes your mouth water, as the stomach acids ooze up the back of your throat, right before you vomit. Like, when you told me about dad forcing you to carry that dead raccoon out of the feed room. It was rotting, covered in maggots. I laughed so hard…. Anyway, that’s for another day.
By the time I looked back outside, my stomach settled a bit, but the horses behind the bank were gone. The gunfire stopped, and I saw Clarence and one other deputy escorting two prisoners to the jail. I know now that the rest of their gang was apprehended the next day. Their robbery spree ended, at the cost of several good men.
I took a sigh of relief, since everything had settled down outside, and regained control of my body. I still felt weak, but at least I could walk. It took me a few minutes to regain my balance, and then I headed for the door.
The concern of someone seeing me leave the room suddenly didn’t matter. I had to come see if you were all right. I remember the lobby filled with guests and townspeople conversing about the incident.
As I darted through the crowd, Mr. Harper, the owner, hollered, “Zachariah, where did you come from?” I heard him call, but ignored his request. The only thing I cared about was finding you, Benjamen.
When I raced out the door, it slammed behind me. I was so focused on finding you, I didn’t see Clarence rush to meet me in the middle of the street.
He caught me mid-stride. “Zachariah, stop…. you can’t go back there.”
I tried to pull away. He held on tight.
“No…. you don’t want to see this.”
I screamed until my throat hurt, “My brother….”
Clarence’s face drooped with sadness like an old hound dog. “I’m sorry, he was shot, Zachariah.”
His eyes that day, Benjamen, he really cared about you.
“No—” I struggled to break free from his grip. “You’re mistaken. It can’t be, he’s not dead.”
“Yes, son, he is. There was nothing we could do. Come on, let’s get you inside, sit down.”
“No…” We scuffled. I finally broke free and shoved him.
I felt him grab for my arm, but his fingers only grazed my shirt sleeve. Nothing was going to keep me from seeing your body for myself. When I look back, the fear must have kept reality at bay, because I just raced down that alley, not thinking. Then a sudden rush of focus made me pause, and I almost passed out. A heart-wrenching agony cut me to the core. It took everything I had, Benjamen, to keep from throwing up…
I staggered to the building, catching myself before I went headfirst into the wall. It took all my strength to remain standing, the pain ushered through my body. Like the tornado—you remember the one that hit south of town a few years before Mom and Dad died. It ravished the countryside, destroying all those ranches. Suddenly, I felt vacant, as if a giant hole appeared in the center of my chest. Only not from a bullet, but the pain of losing you. I had no idea how much seeing you dea– would change my life.
Leaning against the wall, the sweat poured off my body. It felt like someone was crushing my chest… I fought so hard to find another solution to the problem. But reality made its stance. There was no running away. Benjamen, you were right, if you don’t face life head-on, it will find you, and force a resolution. Only this time, I wanted nothing more than to run, but again, my feet felt like they were nailed to the ground. Not one inch of my body would move. It was like being in a vise, the walls closing in from both sides.
My mind just kept racing. How could this have happened? I demanded to wake up from this nightmare… But my request came to no avail…. Death started its assault, as the torment forced reality to bare its ugly head.
My stomach clamped down, forcing a giant tremor. The salvia filled my mouth, and I threw up all over my boots. I stared at the ground, thinking, how can this be real…? You are dead, and I’m alone.
A few seconds later, I felt Clarence grab my shoulders, “It’s okay kid, I got ya.” His words soothed the nausea in my gut .
I asked him, “He’s really dea—isn’t he?”
“Yes, Zachariah, he is.” His eyes teared, Benjamen. But you took a bullet for him. He would have died that day.
It’s funny, but I remember how bad my mouth burned after throwing up. Clarence grabbed his bandana and gave it to me.
By that time, stars hovered in my vision and I almost passed out. I slammed against the building wall and slid to my butt. The pain enveloped my body, and everything went numb.
Clarence tried to take my hand to help me up, “Come on, kid….. you don’t want to see this. I promised him, to keep you safe.”
I knew deep down, Benjamen, he was right… the image would haunt me forever. But listening and doing are two different things.
Clarence reluctantly backed off. “Fine, go if that’s what you need to do.”
I felt guilty yelling at him.
Once he helped me up, and I could stand, the arms of death pulled me toward your body. No matter how hard I tried to avoid witnessing the scene, it was as though I went into a trance, any conscious thought vanished.
The alley that day got longer with each step. I struggled to fight the pain, but somehow, I kept moving, dragging my feet. It can’t be real…. No, just no!
Talking to myself distracted my mind for those few minutes. However, the sight forced me to face my paralyzing fear. In the middle of the backstreet, you were just lying in the dirt. The bullet in your chest was covered by the suit jacket, so you looked normal. In that instant, Benjamen, all my strength vanished, and I collapsed a few feet from your body, sobbing like a baby.
I have no idea how long I sat there bawling before Clarence dragged me away. But it wasn’t long enough.
If you didn’t know, he raised me after you were gone. However, I learned one thing from that day: to be grateful each night that I didn’t die. I remember you telling me that part of the job is accepting that every lawman knows there’s a bullet out there with his name. It’s just a matter of what day it finds them.
